I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
