So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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