Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
