I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
