i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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