Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He shit in the fireplace
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
