You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
