Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
