Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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