This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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