I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
