Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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