Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
