Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And then he peed in my hair
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