i don't like sucking hair
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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