At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize