im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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