Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
