Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...