ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.