He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.