I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm bleeding and have questions
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me