i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.