giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
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