You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.