I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows