Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap