Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
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Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?