Texts From Last Night

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(320): View more from Minnesota

How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?

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(320): How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash? http://tfl.nu/c8co

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.

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(704): Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success. http://tfl.nu/ssjq

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(912): View more from Georgia

I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not

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(912): I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not http://tfl.nu/o8dj

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.

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(601): I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka. http://tfl.nu/8ven

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(443): View more from Maryland

SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'

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(443): SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK' http://tfl.nu/77su

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.

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(405): Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center. http://tfl.nu/aec1

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(310): View more from California

Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?

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(310): Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH? http://tfl.nu/yzjc

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man

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(864): Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man http://tfl.nu/sja1

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?

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(603): Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people? http://tfl.nu/67j9

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(253): View more from Washington

T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.

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(253): T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night. http://tfl.nu/lo7s

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

the essentials, lol

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(306): he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer. (1-306): the essentials, lol http://tfl.nu/fcrf

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(316): View more from Kansas

You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.

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(316): You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off. http://tfl.nu/rf92

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(727): View more from Florida

You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs

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(727): You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs http://tfl.nu/7zsc

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.

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(202): I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever. http://tfl.nu/g05z

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(425): View more from Washington

1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone

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(425): 1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone http://tfl.nu/2si2

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