Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.