as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.