Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee