So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.