You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
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I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Do you have feelings for this penis?