There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is