Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance