Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Send us your Text From Last Night!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
