Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Text me some of your sweat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
