I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
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He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.