I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
