Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
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Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.