ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
