i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.