a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
