Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order