I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
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We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller