I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.