Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
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Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
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I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.