A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.