You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs