Texts From Last Night

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(513): I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before. http://tfl.nu/ut58

Replies (25) Good night (4867) Bad night (1729)
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(206): View more from Washington

I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death

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(206): I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death http://tfl.nu/irfc

Replies (14) Good night (3755) Bad night (1565)
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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.

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(321): I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/k9f2

Replies (17) Good night (5582) Bad night (966)
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(513): View more from Ohio

They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

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(513): They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is. http://tfl.nu/k34n

Replies (8) Good night (3897) Bad night (877)
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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(703): Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience. http://tfl.nu/jxin

Replies (73) Good night (4480) Bad night (6575)
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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(732): i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that. http://tfl.nu/vsly

Replies (26) Good night (1282) Bad night (8061)
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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(815): i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision. http://tfl.nu/h6vg

Replies (17) Good night (8935) Bad night (1078)
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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(301): the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst" http://tfl.nu/u5av

Replies (16) Good night (7984) Bad night (1163)
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.

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(832): The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went. http://tfl.nu/fpvf

Replies (16) Good night (6379) Bad night (1264)
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(907): View more from Alaska

There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.

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(907): There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/4wb0

Replies (17) Good night (2019) Bad night (6055)
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(541): View more from Oregon

You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.

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(541): You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were. http://tfl.nu/i5vx

Replies (5) Good night (6022) Bad night (1560)
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(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

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(630): you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid. http://tfl.nu/ndn7

Replies (5) Good night (5854) Bad night (1785)
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(512): View more from Texas

turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce

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(512): turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce http://tfl.nu/v1jk

Replies (19) Good night (1400) Bad night (5305)
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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you

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(412): She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you http://tfl.nu/82k6

Replies (6) Good night (4571) Bad night (1073)
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(760): View more from California

You did not just play the dead husband card again.

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(760): You did not just play the dead husband card again. http://tfl.nu/xl50

Replies (20) Good night (1206) Bad night (5517)

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