I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship