Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"