you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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