I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
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Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
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I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.