Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
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I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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