It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.