Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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