Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.