Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
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I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
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I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there