If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
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I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.