I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.