I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.