Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now