Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
